The Bats and The Bees
by Kara's Aunty
Summary: Seth has yet more delicate questions for the Cullen clan. But this time, he gets more than he bargained for. Sequel to 'Talking Bull'.


**Disclaimer: **The Twilight series belongs to Stephenie Meyer, etc, etc. No Copyright infringement is intended and I am making no profit from this rather pathetic attempt to dabble in her world.

Rated for slight use of language.

*Please review. It would _really_ cheer me up to know if you liked this …

**The Bats and the Bees**

* * *

Boy, was Seth ever hungry! Like, _seriously_! Patrolling the forests around Forks and La Push (ensuring that none of the Cullens' 'witnesses' broke their word and started snacking on the locals) really worked up his appetite.

Normally, he would head back to the beach for some of his mom's home cooking; however, he was nearer Edward's house than his own, and his vampire friend's kitchen was always stocked of late.

_Hey, Sam. All's quiet on the Western front, so I'm heading up to the Cullens'. Gonna go see what's for dinner, OK?_

Sam was clearly peeved that he wasn't returning to La Push, but his former pack leader wasn't about to object, given that Jake was already at the Cullens. Besides, Seth's added presence would keep the visiting bloodsuckers on their toes.

_Sure_, replied Sam a little tersely._ Might as well get some rest while you're there; you've been patrolling for twelve hours. Rendezvous with the pack at first light, OK?_

_Will do. See ya!_

After phasing back into human form (and donning his pants – wouldn't do to frighten the ladies), he passed out of the trees and sprung across the river that flowed behind the Cullen property. To his annoyance, he spotted Amun and Kebi - the two Egyptian red-eyes - loitering on the porch, watching him with expressions as cold and hard as their undead bodies.

Ugh. Those two gave him the creeps in a big way. Not that he was scared of them (not in a million years); it was simply that they were the most cheerless beings he'd ever encountered. He'd met funeral directors with sunnier dispositions - hell, they made even Leah seem warm and fuzzy (and – as much as he loved his sister – that was saying a lot).

Movement to the left of the forest caught his eye, making Seth beam with pleasure.

"Hey, Emmett!" he called happily, spotting the huge vampire making ready to enter the house. "Wanna keep me company while I eat?"

Emmett froze in horror (recalling how the last conversation they had over dinner ended), then started backing slowly down the steps. He jerked a thick thumb over his shoulder as he stuttered his excuses. "Uh, sorry. I've, eh, just remembered that Esme asked me to go into town for a, uh, a box of, uh, a box of ... tampons. Yeah. Tampons."

For _what_?

Before Seth could challenge him, the big guy was gone in a rush of air, leaving the teenage werewolf utterly bemused.

What the heck would Esme want with a box of … erm, lady-things? It's not like she needed them. Did she?

The thought of a tampon-wielding Esme made him blush under his russet complexion. Shaking the thought away, he shrugged and made his way inside, deliberately ignoring Amun's sneering mien.

"Disgusting smell," murmured the dark-haired vampire as he passed by.

"Right back atcha," winked the teenager, happy to know he was making the freaky Pharoah's afterlife uncomfortable. Snorting when Amun scowled, Seth breezed into the living room and made his way through the undead masses. Spying Rosalie, he raised a hand in greeting.

"Hey Rosie! What's for dinner?"

"You," she joked, and he laughed. Most of his pack (okay, all of them) couldn't stand her (Jake especially), but Seth liked her a lot. She was always nice to him (probably because he wasn't competing with her for Nessie's attention) and had a dry sense of humor which tickled him no end.

"That would be a pretty bad idea for both of us," he retorted cheerily.

"Why?"

This question from Eleazar, who was sitting on the corner of the sofa watching him with interest.

"Because, a) vampire venom is deadly for us, and b) no-one really knows what our blood would do to a vampire. I mean, any wolf killed by a vamp is usually crushed or ripped apart or something equally uncool."

He shuddered theatrically.

"Crushed or ripped apart, huh? So how do you know our venom is deadly for your kind?"

Seth shrugged. "Because our legends say so. But some of them are pretty old and vague, so no one knows for sure. All we do know is that at least one wolf was bitten, though he was in his human form at the time, and the result was pretty messy. By the time he was found, the vampire responsible was long gone."

"So for all you know, the vampire might have just ran off looking for his next victim, completely unaffected by the wolf-blood," suggested Eleazar (a little smugly).

"Or the wolf-blood might have made him spontaneously combust into a shower of ash, leaving no trace of his existence behind him," countered Garret from across the room. "Either way, I'm not keen to test the theory."

Thank crap for that, thought Seth, wondering how thrilled Jacob would be once he found out that his friend had rather foolishly told a roomful of vampires how to successfully wipe out their pack.

"Esme's just finishing making steak if you're hungry," supplied Rosalie, helpfully indicating the kitchen with a nod of her golden head.

Steak? Fantastic!

With a grin on his face, he thanked the beautiful blonde and was soon pushing his way through the kitchen door. Rosalie was true to her word: even before the door was fully opened the smell of medium rare meat overtook the cloyingly sweet scent of vampires, and his stomach rumbled appreciatively.

"Hey Esme. That sure smells good!" he declared, slipping into a seat at the table as his hostess placed cutlery and a plateful of tasty food before him.

The roast potatoes, greens and massive wedge of meat made his mouth water.

"Bon appetit, dear," said Esme, smiling as he dived into the steak with relish.

"I shwear dat you're da besht cook in Forksh, apart from my mom," he slurred around a mouthful of steak.

"Thank you, Seth. I appreciate that. But don't talk with your mouth full," she replied, frowning slightly.

"Shorry." He swallowed heavily. "Where's Jacob? And Edward?"

"Jacob's upstairs with Kate, trying to ceorce Nessie into taking an afternoon nap. Edward's out with Bella, hunting." She poured him a glass of orange juice and set it on the table. "Can we expect any more of your friends in for dinner?"

"Not today. Those not on patrol are heading back to La Push. But I'm happy to eat you out of house and home, depending on what supplies Jake has left over."

Esme laughed. "I'm glad to hear it. I must have bought a herd of cows in the last week just to keep you going, and heaven knows _we_ won't eat them. So I'm relying on you boys to empty my freezer."

A sudden twinge stopped him from putting the newly reloaded fork into his mouth.

A herd of cows? Of course, he knew she wasn't talking literally, but still. It sounded pretty expensive. Not that the Cullens couldn't afford it, but knowing that they were forking out so much to feed him when a) it wasn't their responsibility and b) they didn't eat the stuff anyway, kinda made him feel bad.

He laid the fork down guiltily.

"You know," he began, indicating his meal with a wave of a hand, "I'd be happy to pay you for this. Or do some chores around the house," he added, recalling how empty his wallet was these days (so empty, he didn't even _have_ a wallet any more).

She laughed, a sweet silvery sound. "Don't be silly, Seth! I get a lot of pleasure cooking for you and Jake. Besides, you're helping to protect my granddaughter. A few dollars on groceries is the very least I owe you."

Granddaughter. Man … it was so weird to think of Esme as anybody's grandma. She looked so youthful - and hot.

"What's wrong?" asked Esme as he stared at her stupidly.

Yikes! He was not going to tell somebody's grandma he thought she was hot. That was just so … wrong.

"Nothing. I was just thinking you're the best-looking grandma on the planet. Apart from mine, that is."

Actually, Grandma Maggie was seventy-four, had crippling arthritis, was minus half her front teeth, and sported more wrinkles than a walnut husk. But she was beautiful to _him_.

Esme beamed in pleasure. "Why, thank you, Seth. What a lovely thing to say." She pulled out a chair and took a seat across from him as he got stuck into his food. "You know, I never thought I would ever be a grandmother at all," she said as she laced her fingers together. "It's not something that usually happens to vampires."

No kidding.

"Yeah, I can see why that might be. I mean, what with vampire ladies not being able to have children, and all," remarked Seth after he swallowed a mouthful of potatoes. "Mmm. This gravy's phenomenal."

He speared another potato and swirled it around the plate before shoving the dripping mass (whole) into his mouth. "Thasha thing, though, ishn't it? If vampire girlsh can't have babiesh, how come the boysh can?"

He felt her disapproving amber glare on the top of his head and hastily swallowed the hot vegetable. It burned all the way down, and he had to chug the entire glass of orange juice down in one go before it seared a hole through his stomach.

"Sorry," he apologised again, grinning at her sheepishly. "But you see what I mean, right? How come male vamps can reproduce when females can't?"

Esme's reply was clinical as she zoomed away with his empty glass and returned in a flash after refilling it. "Male bodies - human or vampire - don't have to grow to accommodate a fetus. A female human's body does grow - but a female _vampire's_ can't," she stated, placing his OJ on the table. "It remains forever locked in the shape it bore when its mortal death occurred."

"No - I mean yes, that part's obvious. But it's not what I mean. What I mean is …"

Crap. How could he phrase it so it didn't sound rude? In fact, how could he phrase it so that she wouldn't automatically be presented with the image of Edward getting jiggy with Bella.

Eww! Why did he have to _think_ about that?

Trying to dispel the disturbing thought (in case Edward was listening), Seth cut himself a generous wedge of steak and shoved it in his mouth, his mind racing furiously while he chewed.

Okay, maybe he could get to the point in a sorta round about way? Like, lead up to it so that it would be the obvious next question, but without actually having to say it? Yeah, that sounded promising. But would Esme mind? Technically speaking, he was only asking her out of genuine scientific interest, so he couldn't see why she would.

Okay, let's run with it and see what happens …

Swallowing his meat, Seth took a fortifying breath. "Vampires can breathe, right? They don't need to, but they can, right?"

Thrown by the sudden change in topic, Esme nodded. "That's right. We can breath."

Encouraged, he continued. "So, in order to breath, lungs have to fill with air, which means the chest expands, and then falls again when you exhale. At least that's how it works in humans, right?"

"Right," agreed his hostess slowly, clearly wondering why he was giving her a Biology one on one.

"So, if vampire bodies calcify after their human forms die - and they basically become stone - how is that their chests can fill with air? Or fall when they exhale?"

Esme's eyebrow's rose. "An interesting question. I can't say I've ever thought about it. But when you put it like that, maybe our bodies are _just_ pliable enough to tolerate the motion. It doesn't involve a _great_ deal of expansion, not when compared to the swelling of an abdomen during pregnancy."

A fair point.

"Okay," agreed Seth, nodding. "I can accept that. But, pliable or not, vampire bodies don't have any of the normal biochemical functions associated with humans. Your heart doesn't beat, you can't produce hormones, you can't cry, or sneeze, or … or ..."

Seth's voice petered out as the obvious occurred to him: vampires couldn't menstruate either.

He huffed, feeling rather peeved. Emmett was getting his butt kicked when he returned from his tampon-buying spree. Couldn't the big guy have just said he wasn't in the mood to talk?

"Or what?" prompted Esme.

"Erm, you can't, uh -" he grasped wildly for a thought "- expel waste products."

Great! Why did he have to mention crapping in front of a lady? True, he had just been thinking about Emmett (and in his mind, 'crap' and 'Emmett' were now synonymous with each other), but still.

Luckily, Esme simply smiled at his terminology. "We don't have to expel waste products, but you know that already. As for the biochemistry part – well, you're right. We don't need a heart, or an endocrine system to regulate hormones, because we're not alive in the human sense. Our bodies have evolved, have become much stronger and more durable than they were, and they have no need to rely on the biological and chemical triggers of old. They'll simply endure forever."

"Exactly! So if the biochemistry required in your human form is now defunct because your endocrine system has calcified, how is that Edward, erm … I mean, how can a male vampire produce, um, you know ..."

Aargh! What was he thinking? Was he seriously trying to ask her about the sex life of the undead? Ask a _woman_ about the sex-life of the undead (and one old enough to be his own grandma, to boot)? Or enquire as to how aforementioned grandma's son had managed to get 'happy' enough to impregnate his not-so-blushing bride? She must think he was some kind of pervert!

Mortified, Seth could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, and he thanked God for the millionth time that he wasn't white. Not that it really mattered – Esme would surely spot the flustered reaction and know he was embarrassed – but it did make him feel a _little_ better to know that his face wasn't glowing as obviously as a Christmas candle.

"What I mean – and not a creepy, stalker, psycho-pervert sorta way – is, um, how can male vamps get … that is … how can they produce ..."

He couldn't say it. He just couldn't say the word _sperm_. Not in front of Edward's angelic, innocent, home-cooking momma.

"Uh, you know what? It doesn't matter," he mumbled, loading his fork with a humongous pile of food and shovelling it all in his mouth (thus effectively halting his embarrassing spiel).

But the word hung heavy in the air between them like a really bad smell (worse, even, than vampire-stench).

Sperm.

_Sperm._

SPERM.

Esme's face was perfectly composed, but Seth had the strangest feeling that she was stifling a very strong desire to laugh. Not _at_ him; it might just be an instinctual reaction at the course their conversation had taken, but still …

His suspicion was confirmed when she rose in one smooth motion.

"You know, this is a _very _interesting subject, Seth. And a very unusual one too. In fact, I can safely say that I've never had this conversation with anyone before. Probably because no one ponders these matters as deeply as you do, but that's only natural -"

Oh, great. Esme thought he spent all his time thinking about sex. She might as well have called him a pervert.

"- given that you've probably just covered the topic at school."

Phew! She didn't think he was a pervert. Just a normal teenage boy. Which was the same thing, in most cases (this he knew, having been privy to the thoughts of many teenage boys in his wolf-form).

"I think, though, that what you probably need is a more in-depth response to this subject than I can give you. What you need is to speak with someone more experienced in this particular field of science. And, as it happens, I know the perfect person to answer all these questions for both of us -" she leaned down and patted his burning cheek fondly with her ice cold hand "- and so spare any more of your blushes."

The last she whispered conspiratorially before turning on her heel and heading for the door. She opened it, but made no move to go outside.

What the heck was she doing? Calling for back-up?

Oh, please God, no!

"Uh, Esme. It's not that important. Really," he said, regretting having ever brought the subject up. He wasn't so desperate to find out that he'd be willing to repeat the awkward conversation. Better just to accept that some things happened, than start questioning the mechanics behind them.

But Esme would not be deterred. "Of course it is! It's a fascinating subject! Don't worry, sweetie; I'll get you some answers," she reassured him.

"No, really. I don't need answers so badly," he cried, splaying a hand in her direction.

It was no good. Edward's angelic mom had already opened her perfect mouth and was even now calling out beyond the kitchen.

"Carlisle. Do you have a minute?"

She didn't shout. She didn't have to: a vampire's hearing was as good as a werewolf's. Carlisle could hear her as easily as if she had whispered his name from outside the house. So could everyone else, for that matter.

A horrible thought struck him then.

Oh crap! Crappitty, crap, crap crap!

The _whole house_ had heard their entire conversation. _Everyone._ Eleazar, Garrett, the freaky Pharoah contingent, and the even freakier Romanian duo.

Even Jake, Kate and (he flushed uncomfortably) Nessie.

_Everyone!_

As if to confirm his suspicion, a familiar deep baritone boomed from somewhere in the depths of the living room. "Hey, Carlisle! Seth needs an explanation of the birds and the bees." Emmett had obviously snuck back into the house (damn him). The big vampire chortled, before adding, "I mean, the _bats_ and the bees."

Esme shot Seth a look of sincere apology as a wave of laughter crashed through the doorway.

"Sorry," she mouthed.

Seth missed her apology, having just sank under the table in deepest humiliation.

And - as Emmett cracked an extremely bawdy joke about naive pups and super-powered vampire sperm (which elicited a round of even louder laughter) - he thought he might very well remain under that table for the rest of his life ...

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End file.
